Love After Pain Read online

  Love After Pain

  Torrie Robles

  Copyright

  Warning: This story contains explicit sexual content that is not intended for those under the age of 18. This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblances to actual events, locales, or persons living or dead, are coincidental.

  Love After Pain

  Copyright © 2015

  By Torrie Robles

  Editing by Cassia Brightmore at Deliciously Wicked Editing Services

  Cover Design by Torrie Robles

  Interior Illustration by Kaitlyn Robles

  Formatting by BB eBooks

  Table of Contents

  Title Page

  Copyright Page

  Acknowledgements

  Epigraph

  Chapter 1 – David

  Chapter 2 – David

  Chapter 3 – David

  Chapter 4 – David

  Chapter 5 – David

  Chapter 6 – David

  Chapter 7 – David

  Chapter 8 – David

  Chapter 9 – David

  Chapter 10 – Olivia

  Chapter 11 – David

  Chapter 12 – Olivia

  Chapter 13 – David

  Chapter 14 – David

  Chapter 15 – Olivia

  Chapter 16 – David

  Chapter 17 – David

  Chapter 18 – David

  Chapter 19 – David

  Chapter 20 – Olivia

  Chapter 21 – David

  Chapter 22 – David

  Chapter 23 – David

  Chapter 24 – Olivia

  Chapter 25 – David

  Chapter 26 – David

  Chapter 27 – David

  Chapter 28 – Olivia

  Chapter 29 – David

  Chapter 30 – David

  Chapter 31 – David

  Chapter 32 – David

  Chapter 33 – Olivia

  Chapter 34 – David

  Chapter 35 – David

  Chapter 36 – David

  Chapter 37 – Olivia

  Chapter 38 – David

  Chapter 39 – David

  Chapter 40 – David

  Chapter 41 – David

  Chapter 42 – David

  Chapter 43 – Olivia

  Chapter 44 – David

  Chapter 45 – Olivia

  Chapter 46 – David

  Chapter 47 – David

  Chapter 48 – David

  Chapter 49 – Olivia

  Chapter 50 – David

  Chapter 51 – David

  Chapter 52 – Olivia

  Chapter 53 – David

  Chapter 54 – David

  Chapter 55 – David

  Epilogue

  Acknowledgements

  This is when I get to take a moment and thank those who’ve helped Love After Pain make it what it is today. First and foremost I want to thank my friends and family. You all completely blew me away with your love and support of my debut novel, Accidentally Perfect. Hearing how much you loved it and how proud of me you were was reward enough. My heart always warmed and I got the biggest smile on my face when I heard your reactions. Thank you again. As long as you love my books, then I’m fulfilled and satisfied.

  I have two gals that helped me out and I truly believe that if it weren’t for them, I wouldn’t have been able to finish my book. Amanda, girl, I love you more than words can say. You have always been my biggest cheerleader when it comes to my writing. In the short time, we’ve been friends I’ve written not one, but two books and I can’t wait to write more. It’s because of your encouragement and support that I’m able to do what I love. Jennifer, my lone beta reader. Thank you for your patience. Thank you for reading after I’ve written because I just can’t bring myself to do it. Thank you for giving me a shot and embracing my blood sweat and tears. I love how passionate you are when it comes to reading, and I’m the one who benefits from it. You have no idea how grateful I am for you.

  Cassia Brightmore, I don’t know where to even start. I am so thankful that I reached out to you when I was looking for an editor to bring this book to life in a way that I needed it to be. You are a rock star, Tootsie Pop. Not only are you a talented author, you are such an awesome editor. You have such an eye for detail and you’re the reason why my story is beautiful. Your suggestions showed me that you had just as much invested in my book as I did. Thank you for your encouraging words, time and passion.

  Kris Shade Smiley with My Blissful Books, thank you for reaching out when I wrote Accidentally Perfect and asked if you could read and review it for your blog. That little question started a friendship that I cherish. Thank you for taking a chance on me. I truly appreciate it.

  Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal

  ~ Anonymous

  1

  David

  “I, Kate Kyles, take you, David McAllister, to be my lawfully wedded husband. In sickness, and in health I vow to love you more than any one person has ever loved another. For richer or for poorer, I vow to adore you more than any one person has adored another. I vow to love you, support you and stand by your side as your partner, your best friend and finally, as your wife until death do us part. Until death, until death, until I die, until I’m dead, David. I’m dead, David, I’m dead, David. Dead, dead, dead. David, David, dad, dad, daddy, daddy, daddy.”

  I awake with a jerk, my eyes landing on the face of my seven year-old daughter. Green pools make up her eyes, just like her mother’s. Her mother, my wife is dead. Her eyes no longer shine bright, her eyes are no longer open. “Daddy, Brody’s crying.” I shake my head, trying to comprehend the gravity of the situation. I’m here, Kate’s not. She’s dead.

  “Where’s Grammy?” I stand to get my son who is currently in the other room, throwing a screaming fit.

  “Um, she wanted to go to the store while Brody was sleeping. She told me to wake you if he needed you.” He doesn’t need me. He needs his mother.

  “Thank you, Bink.” She nods, brushing her long hair over her shoulders.

  I walk into the den to find my two month-old wiggling around, arms flailing about, face bright red with tiny tears running down the sides of his face. When did he start having real tears? I pick him up, the poor little guy can’t catch his breath. I rub his back, bounce him a bit, trying to get a rhythm. “I’m sorry I woke you, but Grammy told me never to pick him up. I don’t wanna hurt him.” Clare stands there biting her lip, wondering if she’s in trouble. She’s dressed in a pretty dress, that I’m sure my mother picked out for her. Her hair has natural spiral curls that run down her back ending just above her waist. Just like her mother’s. Her bangs are cut blunt across her forehead and her eyes are wide with worry.

  “No, Grammy’s right. You aren’t to pick up your brother. I just wished she would’ve told me she was leaving.” I continue to bounce and rub his back.

  “She did try, Daddy, but she couldn’t wake you. Said you could sleep through an apocalyptic zombiegeden. What’s an, um, what’s that, Daddy?”

  “They’re just big words Grammy likes to use. Or in this case, make up.”

  Clare turns and leaves me alone in the den with Brody. His wails have quieted and the bouncing seems to be working. I take a chance and carefully walk to the couch continuing to soothe him as I take a seat. When Clare was first born, Kate and I thought she was colicky. Luckily for us, she wasn’t. But I’m a pro when it comes to the bounce and rub method. I pull my son from my shoulder and place him on my lap. His eyes travel the room, not yet able to focus. I wonder what he’s looking for. I wonder who he’s looking for. />
  Brody Kyle McAllister, my baby boy. I wanted to add Kate’s name as his middle name, but I thought better of it. Kids could be so cruel. I would never want my son to succumb to the bullies in this world. I’m sure there will be enough issues as he grows up, I didn’t want to add his mother’s name as his middle name into the mix. So instead of Kate, I went with Kyle. It’s close enough to Kate’s maiden name for our son to know he’s named after his mother. She wanted Brody David, after me, but I thought it was more important to give him something close to his mother. A mother he will never know.

  Everything about him says that he’s my son. From the baby pictures my mother has shown me, to his temper, I know he’s my son. But the dark brown fluffs that make up his hair says he’s also my wife’s son through and through. Maybe I don’t want to see myself in him. Maybe I only want to see Kate, I’m terrified that if I see more of me and less of her it will mean my memory of her is fading.

  A bright flash catches my attention and draws my head to my right where my mother is standing, her phone in her hand. “Mom, what are you doing?” I feel an instant crash of anger run through me.

  “I’m taking a picture of a father and his son. Is that a crime?”

  “Have you seen what I look like?” I know I haven’t shaved since the funeral, and I wasn’t sure when the last time was that I changed my clothes or even showered for that matter.

  “Just because you don’t look like you should be gracing the cover of GQ anytime soon, doesn’t mean that I can’t take a picture. Brody is going to want to have pictures of you when he gets older.” Because he won’t have any of him and his mother. “Did Brody wake you?”

  “No, Clare came and got me. You should’ve made sure I was awake before you took off.”

  “David, being a parent isn’t anything new to me. I have raised you and your sister just fine. Clare knows what she can and can’t do.”

  “It doesn’t matter, Mom. I still would have preferred I was awake and coherent before you took off.”

  “Well then, if it bothers you so much then maybe it’s time to get back to the land of the living. You have two children who need their father—”

  “No.” I cut her off before she went any further. “They don’t need me, they need their mother. Kate should be here rocking Brody, making him his bottle, cuddling with her son. He should be nestled in her arms, bonding with her, getting to know her scent. She should be dressing Clare and making sure her hair is just the way she likes it. Not you, and not me, Mom.”

  “David, you know that isn’t possible. Why continue to dwell on a fact that you cannot change. Kate is gone. As much as it pains me to have to continue to tell you, she’s gone, sweetheart. You need to find a way to accept what has happened.”

  “Don’t you think I know that!” The words spew from my mouth like venom. “I watched her die. I saw everything from the moment the truck hit us until the moment when she went limp in my arms. I saw the blood drain from her body and hit the floor as I held her in my arms while the emergency room staff swarmed around us. There was so much blood the doctors and nurses were sliding in it as they rushed to save her life. I will never get that memory out of my head. She never got the chance to see him, Mom. She never held her son, she never placed a kiss upon his head. He was here, and then she was gone. My only consolation is the fact that they were able to save the life of my son, even though they couldn’t save my wife.” I look down at Brody who was surprisingly calm while I shook with emotion.

  “David—”

  “No, don’t. I didn’t want this. I didn’t want any of it. I didn’t want the wife, the family, the home life. But damn, once I had it, I loved it. Kate, Clare and the anticipation of Brody was everything I ever wanted, but didn’t know was possible. Now, all I have is pain. Pain and heartache.”

  “David.” She walks to me bending down to take my son from me. Over the past two months she has cared for him more than I have. “There is life after the pain, son. You may not see it yet, but I promise you there is. One day, there will be love too. There will be love after the pain. You have to trust me.”

  “Grammy?” I hear Clare call from the kitchen.

  “I’m coming sweetheart, Grammy’s coming.” She leaves the den quietly, telling my son that I love him.

  2

  David

  TWO MONTHS, FIVE DAYS

  “Hi, Mr. McAllister, I’m Dr. Bernstein. It’s nice to meet you.” I walk into the office of Dr. Bernstein, MD of the brain, in short, she’s a psychiatrist. I shake her hand and look around.

  “Please, call me David.”

  “Alright then, David, please come in and have a seat.”

  I take a seat on the infamous couch while she sits directly in front of me with her tablet in her lap. I guess the pen and paper and long hand notes are a thing of the past. I can’t help but notice the view from her office. The famous Golden Gate Bridge is strung out before me. I wonder how much she charges her patients so she can have a view like that. I know what my firm in the city pays in monthly rent and we have nowhere near the view she’s got going on right now. I guess that’s something I should have asked my sister before I agreed to see the shrink. This is gonna cost me a pretty penny, I can see it now. I’m sure it’s more than a couple Benjamin’s for such a stunning view, something I could have seen for free if I just walked outside the building.

  The skies are clear blue with puffs of white clouds. From the inside, it looks like a bright spring day, but I know the weather of the Bay Area; just because it’s clear doesn’t mean you won’t freeze your nuts off once you step outside. “Your sister didn’t mention how tall you were.” Her comment brings my focus away from the view.

  “Is that your professional opinion?”

  “No, just an observation.” She looks down at her tablet, tapping away on the touch screen. Her office is the typical office, I guess. A couple of plants stuck in the corners. Diplomas and certifications on the walls and pictures of kids scattered throughout her desk area. “Your sister suggested that you see me today,” she begins, bringing us to the point of my visit.

  “Yes, it seems that Des doesn’t know when to keep her nose out of things that don’t pertain to her.”

  “Well, Destiny and her opinion are very valued around here. She’s doing great things with the kids she sees. It’s a pleasure to have her on staff.”

  “Well, I’m sure having her as a sister and having her as a colleague are two different things.”

  She rocks back and forth in her chair trying to get settled. Maybe my presence is making her uncomfortable. That’s makes two of us. I may not scare so easily, but the thought of sitting here, talking about the worst imaginable thing one human being can go through scares the ever loving shit out of me. I’m not the type of person to speak about my emotions and feelings to a complete stranger. Hell, by the time I actually figured out I have feelings, I was in a serious relationship with Kate. She’s the one and only person I bared my soul to. Now, I have to sit and do it for a complete stranger, one who would rather tap on her God forsaken tablet than look me in the eye. “So David, Destiny tells me you’re an attorney.”

  “Yes.”

  “How do you like it?”

  “I like it just fine. If I didn’t then I wouldn’t have spent years of my life and tens of thousands of my parent’s hard earned money getting my degree in law.”

  “Why did you pick law?”

  “Because I like to argue. I like to have the last word. So, at a young age, I thought I would take my ability to argue and use it to make myself a lot of money.”

  “What type of law do you practice?”

  “How does my career path have anything to do with the reason I’m here today?”

  She taps away on her tablet. “I’m trying to get to know you.”

  “I get that. But I’m really not in the mood to do any of this, no offense.”

  “I want you to know that your sister and I have not discussed your situation at length. S
he just told me that you’ve experienced a great loss and she wanted me to help you try to get your life back on track.”

  “My life according to her. Des tends to forget who the older sibling is here.”

  “She’s only trying to help, Mr. McAllister.”

  “David.”

  “Yes, David. Sorry. So, tell me the reason why you’re here today.”

  “You know why I’m here.”

  “I would like to hear you state the reason behind your visit today.”

  “I lost my wife.”

  “How long ago?”

  “Two months, five days. Would you like to know the hours, maybe the minutes, too? I can tell you those as well.”

  “And how do you feel about your loss? Are you happy about it?”

  “What kind of fucked up question is that? Am I happy I lost my wife? Am I happy that my children lost their mother?”

  “You would be surprised, David of how many people I see after they lose their spouse and yes, some of them are happy about it. Yes, they feel grief, sorrow and pain, but they also feel relief, joy even. It depends on their situation. If their loved ones were in pain, their passing would mean their suffering had ended. That would give those whom they left behind some type of peace. Joy that they no longer suffered. Like I said, your sister and I haven’t discussed your case.”

  “My wife wasn’t in pain, she wasn’t sick, she wasn’t suffering. So I’m sorry if I don’t feel any joy in the fact that she’s no longer living.”

  “You have an extreme amount of anger. We’ve only been talking for a few minutes and I’ve already picked up on it. Why don’t you tell me about the events that led to your wife’s death. Do you feel comfortable doing that?”

  I look at her for a long moment and then sigh, I was going to have to tell her at some point, so might as well just get it over with.

  *

  “Well, Kate, David, it seems like your little guy is just about ready to meet his parents. He’s already head first and ready for the big day.”